


Buddy Holly/The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

by littlemisstpk



Series: Rhythm on the Court [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Third Person Limited, Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Songfic, Time Skips, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 18:11:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14431272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemisstpk/pseuds/littlemisstpk
Summary: Tsukishima Kei had suffered three major betrayals in his life: once by his own body, once by his brother, and again by his lovers. He would eventually learn to deal with those betrayals in productive ways, but as Kei was not known for being the most cooperative person on earth, his path to forgiveness was winding and littered with roadblocks.





	Buddy Holly/The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't find a single song that fit what I wanted to accomplish emotionally, so I picked two songs that are not only by the same artist, but are on the same album too. Go figure. [ Weezer- Buddy Holly](https://youtu.be/kemivUKb4f4) is all about Tsukishima's high school life, whereas [Weezer- The World Has Turned And Left Me Here](https://youtu.be/SFFgayhYnXI) is good for the rest.
> 
> I also imply details of a suicide pretty heavily. I'm more focused on the aftermath, so if you see "Kei opened the door to his home", you can search "Kei was able to find a day care close to his hospital" and skip the brunt of it.

Tsukishima Kei had suffered three major betrayals in his life: once by his own body, once by his brother, and again by his lovers. He would eventually learn to deal with those betrayals in productive ways, but as Kei was not known for being the most cooperative person on earth, his path to forgiveness was winding and littered with roadblocks.

At 8 years old, Kei was a relatively shy boy, and so when it became clear that the tall, blond, glasses-wearing kid who lived in a country that is not typically known for two of those traits, he knew that he would have problems getting the peace and quiet he so desperately wanted. It didn’t take long for Kei to figure out that he could use his size and his intellect to intimidate others from approaching him, as he was easily twice the height of his contemporaries in his year. It didn't help that Kei had a penchant for picking up interesting vocabulary when his peers were more interested in fart jokes. This behaviour led Akiteru, who didn’t seem to mind the attention that his hair and stature afforded him, to continually question Kei on how he was getting along with his peers as the two siblings practiced volleyball in the evenings and talked about anything from dinosaurs to what lay beyond their town in Miyagi.

Kei tried to lie to his brother on occasion, but Akiteru always saw right through it. It only made Kei’s estimation of him rise that much more.

There were some times that Kei did not regret the body he was born to. Those instances were limited to when he stepped out onto the volleyball court and the day he met Yamaguchi.

It was too easy, really, to gain Yamaguchi’s adoration. Kei insulted the entire group surrounding the small boy with a single word, which provoked the ringleader to try and attack him. Kei then used his size to loom over the bully (who was easily half his height), causing him and his gang to run away, tails tucked between their legs. When Kei ran into Yamaguchi at his volleyball club, he bragged about his brother to the smaller boy, and Kei could not help to smile internally at Yamaguchi’s overflowing sense of wonder and optimism, even if it was tempered by fear.

When Kei later found his brother in the cheering stands rather than on the court as expected, it was Yamaguchi's unfailing optimism that soothed the empty hole in his heart that formerly held the trust he had in his brother. More resilient children would have taken this news in stride, but Kei had spent most of his life worshipping Akiteru like an idol, which his older brother had encouraged by continuing with his lies in an effort to not disappoint Kei, so he swore he would hold that grudge until his blond hair turned stark white, preferably happening later rather than sooner.

Kei had an abrasive personality, but that didn't mean he wasn’t observant. He could see his own level of hero worship in Yamaguchi’s face whenever he looked at Kei, which scared Kei at the possibilities. His own brother’s betrayal was still fresh on his mind, and he didn’t want to give up Yamaguchi's company, so Kei presented himself without airs, and Yamaguchi accepted him, thorns and all. As Kei hid in his room when Akiteru visited home during a university break, he was glad that Yamaguchi picked up the phone on the other end to distract Kei from his feelings.

His gratitude that Yamaguchi was actually willing to spend time with Kei, seemingly relishing every moment even, that was something that Kei was fiercely protective of. Yamaguchi's slight build and gentle, fearful nature was something that seemed to attract bullies, and while Kei outwardly spoke of these encounters as entertainment for the day, Kei was fully aware of how he considered Yamaguchi the only reason he had not lost complete faith in humanity.  It didn't hurt that every time that Yamaguchi snickered from just behind him, or even joining in on the taunts, Kei was proud and emboldened. Even as Yamaguchi gained his growth spurt near the end of middle school, and Kei became even more impossibly tall so the bullies became less of an issue, Kei learned the art of subtly picking fights just to chase that warm feeling of power with Yamaguchi by his side.

It was in a training camp in high school where Kei realized his feelings for Yamaguchi had changed into something more than friendship. On that long trip to Tokyo, it was becoming outwardly apparent that Kei was trying hard not to become like his brother while his teammates were working hard to improve their skills. Kei was on his way to the dormitory when he heard Yamaguchi yell out his name while running towards him. Before Kei could question his friend on his odd behaviour, he felt himself being pulled forward by the front of his shirt so that he was face level with his friend, who was now yelling uncomfortable truths into his face. Taken off-guard, Kei felt an unfamiliar heat curling within him as Yamaguchi let out much deserved rage onto Kei. It took everything for him to hold back his hands, as Kei couldn't trust whether or not he was going to punch Yamaguchi for yelling in his face, or grab at Yamaguchi as he succumbed to the coiling heat within him.

The answer became clear when Yamaguchi finally stopped his tirade, and all that Kei could hear was the soft pants that were the combination of Yamaguchi’s running to intercept him and the extended yelling. Kei’s mind supplied that he wouldn't mind hearing those pants for a different reason. Before he could think about the impact of the words coming out of his mouth, Kei asked,  “When did you become so cool?” to no one in particular. Kei found his hands firmly grasping Yamaguchi's face as he moved forward so that their lips roughly met.

Yamaguchi froze for a moment under Kei’s embrace, but recovered quickly as he moved the hands that were tangled in the front of Kei’s shirt to fully surround Kei’s lanky body, pulling him forward to have more contact for the electricity between the two boys to thrive. When Kei broke the kiss, he used a rather fluid motion to bury his face into where Yamaguchi's neck and shoulder met as he flipped them both around so that Yamaguchi was pinned against the pillar that Kei had been cornered at, tasting the salty results of tough training on one of the hottest days so far in the summer. Experimentally, Kei rolled his hips forward, feeling Yamaguchi's interest on his thigh, the sensation already almost too much to handle.

What was almost too much for Kei was obviously too much for Yamaguchi, as he stiffened and shuddered, letting out small sounds that every warm blooded fifteen year old boy was well acquainted with. Knowing that he had caused it, and that Yamaguchi shared it with him was enough for Kei to follow suit pretty much immediately. Kei was surprised with the intensity of his release that he was able to keep the both of them upright, but as Yamaguchi slowly came back to himself, Kei couldn't help but smile at the relaxed, happy expression on the other’s face.

With the words of Yamaguchi's tirade about Kei’s apparent lack of effort surrounding volleyball finally sinking in, he quickly formulated a plan. The one part of Yamaguchi's ambush that did not sit well in Kei’s mind was the disappointment that lingered in the outwardly angry words. If he was going to accomplish what he needed to that night, a proper bath was out of the equation, so Kei improvised. Reaching down into his shorts, he adjusted himself so that when he could finally clean up, it would only be moderately uncomfortable, instead of incredibly so. When Kei removed his hand, he was struck by how happy and fulfilled Yamaguchi looked against the pillar, so Kei reached out and touched his face, leaving visible evidence of their brief encounter. It wasn't even intentional that Kei sullied Yamaguchi's face as he did, but the pleased flush that filled in the spaces between the freckles drove any sort of remorse out of Kei’s mind at this slip up.

Leaning in by Yamaguchi's ear, Kei murmured, “I have to do something really quickly, but I'll be back as soon as I can to pick up where we left off.” Kei turned around, knowing that if he looked back at Yamaguchi that he would lose his resolve to visit Bokuto and Kuroo to get answers about why they played. He used the measured steps between the pillar and Gym 3 to school his expression from a content smile to his typical tsundere frown to protect himself from the inevitable teasing that he would experience from the other boys. Kei was moderately surprised at the insightful and helpful answer that Bokuto gave, but try as he might to escape the gym to finally clean up, Kei found himself getting roped into a very uncomfortable blocking practice as his shorts bunched in expected ways.

Needless to say, Kei resolved never to make that mistake again.

~~~~~

It was a slow process, but Yamaguchi had his own special way of getting past Kei’s defenses, to the point where other people could willingly stand his presence for more than ten minutes, and he didn’t immediately hide in his room when Akiteru came home to visit, and he even was able to speak to his brother in more than monosyllabic words and non-committal grunts.

As a thanks, Kei pulled Yamaguchi behind the tree on the walk back to Kei’s house that was well-suited to hiding their tall bodies. Kei pinned Yamaguchi against the odd indent that served as their shield, and captured the other’s lips roughly. Kei heard a faint moan escape from Yamaguchi, and his arms did his best to pull Kei forward. Kei's hand made its way to Yamaguchi's volleyball jacket zipper, where he took an agonisingly long time to open the outer layer.

Yamaguchi knew this part of the game really well, and Kei had him well trained.

Kei felt a smile creep across his face as he took his sweet time opening up the key portions of Yamaguchi's clothes, and felt Yamaguchi's answering shudders of anticipation.

Kei’s hands dipped lower, until they slipped under the waistband of both Yamaguchi's track pants and boxers simultaneously. As Kei slowly lowered Yamaguchi's pants, he felt his heart pounding extra quickly, as while the tree afforded some protection from being caught, it was not foolproof. Judging from the expression on Yamaguchi's face, he was enjoying the thrill just as much as Kei.

As Kei moved down Yamaguchi's body, he fluidly moved his hands so that Yamaguchi's bottom half became bare just as Kei settled into position. Yamaguchi was already embarrassingly hard, and Kei didn't waste time in taking him in his mouth as far as he could. As Yamaguchi let out delicious noises and carded his fingers through Kei’s hair, Kei took the opportunity to free his own erection, working the both of them with equal vigor, until Kei was spilling onto the grass and Yamaguchi was spilling into his mouth in very short order.

The realist in Kei knew that this excitement would end, but the now-second year refused to believe it in that moment.

~~~~~

Kei’s third year of high school was a blur of volleyball, studying for entrance exams, and worrying about his future with Yamaguchi. It was a foregone conclusion that Kei would only be applying for universities in Tokyo, which was where all the reputable pharmacy programs seemed to be, whereas Yamaguchi seemed content to stay local in Sendai.

As much as he didn't want things to end, Kei couldn't completely stop the negative voice in the back of his mind that picked up on his fear of losing Yamaguchi to the point that it amplified his nerves to being nearly unbearable. As a result, Kei worried even more. It was enough that he found himself withdrawing from things that he previously found enjoyable, and that included finding novel ways to make Yamaguchi scream in pleasure.

Still, Kei did what he knew best, and bottled those feelings up in order to keep an impassive exterior.

Things came to a head during graduation, when in his search for Yamaguchi and Akiteru, he spotted the former with his arm around Hinata, dragging him away from the crowd. Kei might have been wrapped up in his own anxieties, but he was not completely unaware of Yamaguchi’s own withdrawal in the months preceding the ceremony. The combination of factors made the negative voice that had been haunting him all year by whispering a running monologue of how he wasn't good enough positively yell in his brain. When Kei did find his brother, who questioned where Yamaguchi was, Kei was only able to bite out a quick “he's not coming”, because anything more would cause his facade to crumble under the intense jealousy and betrayal he currently felt.

Judging by the look on Akiteru’s face, he knew that something was up, as even though Kei became a lot better at lying in the seven years he had avoided his brother to one degree or another, there are some things that cannot be hidden completely. Akiteru wisely did not pursue his hunch, but instead guided Kei out of the crowd.

Kei still showed up at Yamaguchi’s party that evening, if only to let his rational mind silence that anxious voice sounding klaxons inside his head about what he saw earlier on in the day. What Kei didn't expect was that after an hour, he was left effectively hosting the party, as Yamaguchi disappeared right around the same time as Hinata. Jealousy flared within him, and after asking around, he found them on Yamaguchi’s front deck. Kei had full intentions of berating Hinata, but when he opened the door, Kei found Yamaguchi holding Hinata in a tender embrace, with the smaller man nearly passing out on his lap. Kei froze for a moment, and then tried to quietly retreat before he could be noticed by the pair. Kei had no such luck, as Yamaguchi fearfully looked into his eyes. Rather than break down as he wanted to at Tadashi's silently guilty plea, he schooled his expression into an angry glare, which was way preferable than feeling his heart carved out from his chest, a familiar feeling from seven years prior in the Sendai gymnasium.

He quickly left the door frame, retreating until he found some party goers pouring shots, where Kei downed three in quick succession to the cheers of everyone present. Kei then declared it Smash Bros. time, firing up Yamaguchi’s trusty Wii and handing out remotes for a nice battle royale to help work out some of the rage building under his skin. It wasn't long before his opponents started angling to play Mario Kart, as they were quickly approaching that point in the night where coordination was starting to not become a thing, and his Game and Watch strategy was next to unbeatable. It accomplished the goal he set out to complete, and that was to calm himself down from the sight he saw earlier on the deck.

Several races in, Kei noticed Hinata stumble back into the house, followed directly by Yamaguchi, who seemed to be hanging off every move that the smaller boy was making. Kei wanted to sneer at the two and be done with the whole ordeal, but he couldn't help but notice how close they were sitting, playing video games. He stared angrily at both Yamaguchi and Hinata, and when he felt done with the tournament, Kei found a secret corner where he might be able to sleep off the emotions.

Sleep didn't come for Kei, and he found himself texting Akiteru to come pick him up much earlier than expected. He still had time to kill, which gave Kei in the awful experience of gaining a hangover in slow motion and no sleep as a reprieve. Kei didn't emerge from his hiding spot until his brother texted that he was directly outside, where Yamaguchi was sending off the stragglers. As Kei tried to leave inconspicuously, he felt Yamaguchi’s hand grasp his forearm, which Kei immediately shrugged off. It took every ounce of effort for Kei not to yell at Yamaguchi, so he settled for a curt, “Don't come find me in Tokyo.”

Kei sincerely hoped that would be the last time he laid eyes on Yamaguchi. He was also thankful that Akiteru didn't comment on the sour smell of stale liquor that emanated from Kei, simply giving a wry smile at Kei’s haggard appearance.

~~~~~

In hindsight, Kei's decision to occupy Akiteru’s second bedroom was not one of his more thought out decisions, considering that he was still only at the “not actively avoiding his brother” stage of forgiveness. Kei supposed Akiteru’s argument of saving money for his upcoming six years instead of the typical four played on Kei's practical side. The sports scholarship only lasted while he was an eligible player, and that time frame was shorter than his pharmacy program.

_ Dammit, Akiteru _ , Kei thought. As he placed his box of dinosaur figurines near the desk he resolved not to use in favour of going to the library, Kei thought about how few belongings actually made the trek from Miyagi to Tokyo. Just his dinosaurs, a few books, and the pitifully small amount of clothing that wasn't worn out and still fit after his most recent growth spurt to a whopping 196 cm.

After an hour of unpacking and organizing, Kei walked to the campus to finish odds and ends of starting university and to sign up for volleyball tryouts. While volleyball was something he had previously shared with Yamaguchi, the fact remained that since they rarely shared time on the court, his love for the game could flourish independently of his former friend's presence.

The following week, Kei showed up at the gym to be greeted by several familiar faces. He couldn't miss the floppy hair and the nasal whine of Oikawa making fun of Kageyama, nor the soft whack of a shoe hitting shorts as Yaku kicking a presumably new player in the rear, a familiar sight from those Tokyo nights in years past.

Kei's heart lurched at the memories of training in Tokyo, the beginning of the end he was currently experiencing. He focused on the position of the ball during the scrimmage, doing his best to read its position and block the ball from landing on his side. He allowed himself a half smile when he saw the frustrated faces on the other side of the net, taking pride in their muttered insults of “asshole” and “shithead”. It was still weird to not have someone to cheer as enthusiastically as Yamaguchi when he did a particularly good block, and to laugh off the resulting insults, so Kei did his regular routine of stuffing down the inconvenient feelings to gain a semblance of functionality.

~~~~~

In the intervening weeks between tryouts and the first practice match, Kei begrudgingly found that Kageyama was not bad company. Where in high school, he would have roasted the setter alive with insults because his face was weird and it was a low hanging fruit that he couldn't resist, as they practiced with the university team, Kei found Kageyama looking ever more miserable.

When Kei saw Kageyama's frowns deepen at the mere mention of Hinata and the name they made together on the national stage, he knew that Kageyama’s misery and Hinata’s absence were fundamentally linked. While he would never dare to admit it, Kei understood Kageyama's situation far better than anyone would be able to guess, feeling the pain and betrayal of being left for the other's partners in crime. Kei burned in anger at the memory of Hinata in Yamaguchi’s arms, and resolved to protect Kageyama as a fellow victim in this crime.

When word of a practice match in Sendai made the rounds, Kei perked up when he heard the name of the university they would be playing against, and it was too familiar. Of course, Kei thought, they would be playing at the university where  _ they _ were attending, and Kei refused to acknowledge either of their names. It was Kei who pulled Kageyama into extra practice, keen to take his mind off his troubles, and Kageyama certainly did not complain.

On the actual trip, Kei pulled out his trusty headphones, hoping that the music blasting in his ears would distract him from the mountain paths that reminded him of good times with Yamaguchi, but after several hours, he resigned himself to the fact that his heart would remain heavy as the familiar mountains came closer into view. Kei briefly entertained the idea of having Kageyama knock him out so that he could get some sleep, but as Kei looked to his friend beside him, he saw care worn lines smoothed out as Kageyama slept far more readily on the train than Kei had seen in the month since they had left Miyagi.

As Kei readied his futon for the night, he couldn't help but notice the pallor that had taken over Kageyama's face. Finishing his task quickly, Kei turned to his friend and prodded, “Hey dummy, are we going to practice, or what?”

Kageyama came to life at the insult, throwing his bag in the direction of the insult. Kei was fully laughing at Kageyama’s returning insults, noticing that they didn't have the same bite as only a couple months before.

The day of the match came, and Kei found himself steeling himself for the possibility of seeing Yamaguchi on the other side of the net. He looked over at Kageyama, and saw that his face was distinctly green, and not even good natured insults were penetrating the funk surrounding him. Kei frowned even deeper than normal, feeling like something major was coming his way.

As they entered the gym, Kei quickly took in his surroundings, finding just as many familiar faces on the other side of the net as were on his own team, including Nishinoya looking even more ridiculous than he did even at Karasuno. When Kei looked to the sidelines to see where Yamaguchi was located, he found Hinata looking worriedly into the stands above. Kei's eyes followed where Hinata was looking, only to find Yamaguchi sporting an odd look on his face, simultaneously supportive and terrified. Kei stuffed the renewed rage deep within him, knowing that he would use that energy as fuel to block the other team's onslaught.

The first part of the match went moderately well, despite Kageyama being off his game. Whereas during nationals their first year, he played at being a dickhead and purposely  didn't match his set to Kei's hand like he did to Hinata, whatever the reason was, during this practice match, Kageyama was setting closer to what Suga would have accomplished: competent, but not genius.

It was within a couple of rotations that Kageyama was left to serve. Between Kei's generally distrustful nature and Kageyama being off his game, Kei moved his hands to protect his hands and neck from Kageyama's concussion-inducing serve. Within moments, Kei's caution proved founded, as the ball hit his the back of his hands sharply. It was partly the pent up rage that Kei was saving for his blocks, but he spun around to angrily glare at Kageyama, who was looking past him toward Hinata, who resembled a ghost.

It was when Oikawa took to the court that Kei started to reign in his anger, allowing it to simmer and burn under his skin. He discarded all the distractions, putting his focus directly on the ball and figuring out the other team's plays.

In the end, it wasn't enough for Kei's team to win. After losing 35-33 in the third set, his rational mind saw it as playing well enough to drive the score so high, but that internal voice which tormented him all through his final year out high school simply suggested that his blocks were the reason they lost. Seeing Kageyama under Yachi’s care, and hearing the other team's disappointed grumblings at Hinata’s disappearance, Kei went out with his former Karasuno senpai, drinking and laughing away the empty feeling that lingered in his chest.

~~~~~

Akiteru’s sole conditions on having Kei occupy the second bedroom for next to nothing was that Kei had to have dinner with him once a week, and that Kei had to communicate during that time in more syllables than the non-committal grunts he had previously given his brother. They usually talked about volleyball, the weather, and other inconsequential topics as they ate Akiteru’s passable cooking. As the university year moved forward, Kei began to use the opportunity to tease and make fun of his older brother, who seemed to be the furthest from being offended, instead dishing out the lighthearted insults just as well as Kei.

It was in the middle of Kei’s second year during one of these mandatory meals that Akiteru plucked up the courage to finally ask Kei about his high school graduation. It has ceased to be a constant pain in Kei's chest for some time, but the question brought that heaviness in his chest back. The slow realization that his brother had changed in the eight years since finding out about his lies and could be trusted came to Kei’s consciousness, so he began to talk.

Kei resolutely looked at a spot just to the left of where his brother sat, so while he was not making eye contact, as he recounted the events of the ceremony and the graduation party, he could not help but see Akiteru’s eyes widen in horror and his hand cover his mouth, despite Kei delivering his story in his typical monotone voice.

Before Kei would wonder at why there was warm dripping onto his hand, he found Akiteru’s arms taking him into a tight hug. Kei jerked back in protest, which only made Akiteru latch on even tighter.

“Shithead,” Kei muttered under his breath.

As Akiteru smiled, he smugly whispered, “it takes one to know one.”

~~~~~

Watching anime was one of the few things keeping Kei sane as he worked on assignment after assignment on the chemical structure of the drug class they were currently working on. The thing that grated against Kei's nerves about pharmacy is the total misconception that people had about his future profession, and that he simply slapped labels on vials and didn’t give it another thought, but the true joy was the power to tell doctors that they were idiots for prescribing inappropriate medications. The mindless entertainment helped to soothe the burgeoning resentment that Kei supposed would be part and parcel of his professional life, as he spent an equivalent amount of time learning medications as doctors did on everything else.

His idea didn't work, though. Instead of allowing his mind to blank out, he caught glimpses of memories, as the anime’s protagonist had a mop of mousy brown hair, freckles, and above all, enough determination to overcome all obstacles that stood in his way despite overwhelming odds. It was painful to remember, but it was not enough to erase the flash of a mega-watt smile, accompanied by a soft, “Sorry, Tsukki!”

It didn't stop Kei from watching every episode, torturing himself each time.

~~~~~

It was Kei’s first day on his very first clinical pharmacy rotation, where he was effectively shadowing the clinical pharmacist in charge of the unit. In the intensive care unit, this meant he did rounds with the doctors and charge nurses to figure out the best ways to treat the patient, and any updates from the previous rounds. Not all the staff were involved in rounds, and one of these nurses ended up catching his eye, her wavy brown mop of hair pulled back into a sloppy bun revealing a trail of freckles that disappeared beneath her hospital issued scrubs. Despite being in an area full of heartache, her soft eyes and bright smile brought cheer to everyone around her.

Kei could barely look away.

She ended up setting her tray shown on the table in front of him, and introduced herself as Takahashi Sayoko, just as Kei was about to dig into his lunch of hospital food. As she smiled and made a light hearted dig against his height, he was intrigued in a way he hadn’t been for years, and instead of the “shut up, Yamaguchi” that was at the tip of his tongue, he settled for a slightly cheesy, “the sun’s called, it wants it's smile back” delivered in his patented droll way.

This continued for most of the remainder of Kei's rotation. Takahashi was a force of nature, and while Kei was not pressured into anything, they shared most of their breaks together, including the notable time when she pulled Kei into an unoccupied duty room. The smile on Kei's face was enough to throw Kageyama off his concentration during their regular pickup game, leading Kei to show him the selfie she had taken of the two of them earlier in the day. Kageyama laughed, and commented at the possibility of Yamaguchi getting a sex change operation, which led to him doubled over in pain and Kei stoically nursing his right hand.

~~~~~

It was the heat of festival season, and Kei brought Sayoko back to Miyagi for Kageyama's wedding. Kei had been worried about bringing her, as she seemed to be feeling off compared to her usual sunny self, but she insisted on meeting everyone important to Kei. In the half year the two had been dating, Kei had learned that it was much easier on him to let her have her own way right from the get-go.

Before Kei and Sayoko diverged in Kageyama's wedding preparations, they spent the evening having a meal with Kei's parents. His mother was excited about meeting Sayoko, excitedly exclaiming, “and I'll finally get grandchildren!” Kei shot his mother a glare before apologetically looking at his girlfriend, who seemed to be laughing at a joke he was not in on. It was only once they had returned to Kei's childhood room that Sayoko revealed that she was pregnant, and that Kei's mother was either prescient or had a mother's intuition. It took Kei the rest of the night to fully process the news, but as he held Sayoko protectively, he felt confident he was up to the challenge before him.

When the wedding came, it was beautiful and perfect. Kei stood beside Kageyama, who actually was smiling. It might have had something to do with the fact he was getting married, or that he found out he was going to be an honorary uncle, but Kei found himself looking over at Sayoko.

As the night went on, and Tanaka and Noya became progressively louder as the alcohol flowed more and more, Kei sat off to the side, arms protectively wrapped around where his unborn child resided, hopeful for the future.

~~~~~

To say Kei was terrified for nearly a year would have been an understatement. The fear first gripped him when Sayoko came back from the first ultrasound and let him know they were having twins. At nearly 25 years old and still early on in his career, he had doubts that he would be able to handle being a young father of two. It was Sayoko’s optimism and gentle words that soothed his fears and made them bearable.

It led him to sitting in the waiting room, sitting with Akiteru as Sayoko went in for her c-section. Akiteru jokingly pointed to the nearest washroom when he arrived to see Kei with his eyes as big as saucers and his face as white as a sheet. Kei didn't mention that he had already been there three times. Akiteru dropped his jokes at his brother's expense when Kei didn't return with one of his scathing remarks at the jab, instead settling into help Kei relax.

It was not long after Kei relaxed that one of the nurses came to find him in the middle of the waiting room to inform Kei that he was now the father of two healthy boys. Kei jumped to his feet in an instant, ready to follow the nurse into the room. He was directed to the gowns and the sink to prepare to enter the room, and before the nurse could instruct him on how to properly scrub in, Kei was halfway through his garbing procedure, which came naturally through his work making IV admixtures.

Sayoko looked haggard, but the relief on her face was immense as she held one of the newborns boys. There was a screen erected as doctors worked to stitch her up, and nurses worked to clean off their second son. Kei knew that twins tended to be smaller than their single birth counterparts, but he could only feel pure wonder at how tiny the baby was in his arms, one that he helped create. He looked over at Sayoko, his vision blurry, who suggested that they name them Tsukishima Takeshi and Tsukishima Takenori.

Kei could only wholeheartedly agree.

~~~~~

It was nearing the twins’ first birthday, so Kei started thinking about what kind of celebration was in order. Sayoko’s demeanor had changed in the months since the birth, to the point where Kei had to pick up all the slack in taking care of their new family. As he mixed chemotherapy bags at work, he thought about how he urged Sayoko to get help, who refused on the grounds that she was stronger than that. When Kei admitted that he was at the end of his patience during one of his weekly dinners with Akiteru, he got a pitying look and a promise to help out whenever he could.

When Kei opened the door to his home, he immediately felt like something was wrong. The TV was blaring some cheesy soap opera, and he heard a baby faintly crying. Quickly checking the screen for an indication that the noise was coming from the show, he saw the characters not reacting to the distressing sounds. As he turned off the TV, he quickly realized that the crying was coming from one of the boys, and it took a desperate quality that he has not heard coming from either of them before.

It was as he rounded the corner to his bedroom that he realized what had happened. He took in Sayoko’s slumped figure and dangling feet, and as his eyes widened, he cut her down from where she was draped. He couldn't help but notice that her skin was impossibly cold and that her limbs were too stiff to move. He called for an ambulance, despite knowing the futility of the action. He picked up both his sons, held them close, feeding the both of them as paramedics took her out of the house.

With the boys fed and sated, Kei texted Akiteru to come over as quickly as he could. As promised, Akiteru pulled through, helping out with the details surrounding Sayoko’s passing as Kei focused on taking care of his sons. Under Kei’s direction, Akiteru erected a small altar in an almost forgotten corner of his house so that Kei could keep up appearances of mourning, despite his feelings of abandonment and betrayal. He only started catching his breath when the TV was brought to the curb.

Within a short while, Kei was able to find a day care close to his hospital that had openings for when he worked day shifts, and between Akiteru and the Kageyamas, they took turns taking care of the boys while Kei worked at night.

~~~~~

As Takeshi and Takenori grew, Kei felt his pride in his children grow just as much. Takeshi was growing into a shy boy, and because he had inherited Kei’s eyesight, he was the spitting image of his father, except for the smattering of light freckles that adorned his body. Takenori was far more outgoing, and quite the ringleader in shenanigans, and fully aware of how cute he was and did not shy from trying to use that to his advantage.

Though Kei was strict in controlling his sons' behavior at home and while out in public, when it came to spending time with trusted friends, they were allowed to let loose, and their vitality made him genuinely smile. This left a newly-separated Kageyama and Akiteru with the idea that the boys were not well-behaved, but Kei couldn't care less. When the two of them tried to get back at Kei by letting the boys watch TV, he laughed internally, not letting on the real reason that Kei remained resistant to owning a television.

What Kei really appreciated was the family naps the trio would often take. Shift work and being a single parent took a lot out of Kei, so being able to share a rest with his sons as they told him about their day became a highlight. This often meant agreeing with whatever story about their favorite, freckled giraffe on that TV show that Akiteru let them watch as he dozed off into sleep, and waking up with two toddlers splayed out in odd positions as they continued to sleep. Kei was sure that Akiteru had a secret picture stash of this setup that he was sending back to their parents, because he could only imagine how funny it looked and how much of a smiling shithead his brother really was.

As the boys approached school age, Kei decided that it was time to introduce them to volleyball. Due to his close friendship with Kageyama, he was able to easily get preferred seating at any game he wished, which he did not often use as he preferred to spend time with his children. Both Takenori and Takeshi were enthralled with the game, loudly cheering on Kageyama as he played. While Kei answered an onslaught of questions, he saw Kageyama's daughter move his way from where she was sitting with her mother, joining in on the question period.

When the game was over, Saeko excitedly asked Kei if she could go down and visit her father. Sparing a questioning look over at Hitoka, Kei saw her nod her assent. Kei ushered Saeko down the stairs towards where the players bench was.

As soon as Saeko reached the open court, she ran full tilt, yelling excitedly for her father. Kei was surprised when he saw who Kageyama was talking to, Hinata’s orange hair unmistakable even ten years past high school. Kei was only mildly surprised that he no longer held anger in his heart towards the still-small man, realizing it was just one of a series of events that led to the children that were currently his world. He called out a familiar insult towards Kageyama with a sneer that was only an inside joke at this point in their friendship, who pathetically shot back an insult of his own with his daughter on his shoulders. Kei was far enough away that he couldn't hear what Kageyama and Hinata were specifically talking about, but judging by the camera crew surrounding them, Kei figured it was an interview. As he made that realization, Kei noticed Kageyama pull a wonderfully monstrous attempt at a smile, and heard Hinata let out one of the largest belly laughs he had heard in a very long time.

~~~~~

Kei was on his lunch break when he received the text from Hitoka about Kageyama’s injury. Despite the collapse of her marriage to Kageyama, he considered her one of his pillars of understanding as they both were primary caregivers to their respective children. He got details about where he was being sent, and perked up when she revealed that Kageyama was going to be admitted to Kei’s hospital. He formulated a plan to finish his work day, pick up the boys, and then take them in for a visit. While Kageyama didn't say much during the visits, he encouraged Takeshi and Takenori to come up on the bed to listen to them tell stories about their new favorite anime that Kei staunchly refused to watch.

It was in the third straight day of these kinds of visits that Kei saw Hinata practically sneaking out of Kageyama's room. When Kei walked in and saw his friend's sheepishly happy face, he raised his eyebrows and asked, “anything that I need to know about?”

Kageyama fidgeted on the bed, saying, “We talked a few things through, including graduation. He confessed then, and I didn't take it well.”

A vision of Hinata passed out on Yamaguchi on the front deck in the early parts of the graduation party flashed through Kei's mind. He flatly added, “and he didn't take it well either.” Kageyama could only shrug at the possibility.

Quickly telling the boys to stay with Kageyama, Kei rushed towards the entrance of the hospital. As he nearly spent more time in this particular building than he did at his own home, Kei used every single secret passage he could muster in addition to taking the stairs three at a time to make it to the main entrance before Hinata could leave.

He was just in time. As Kei walked through the hallway leading from the bottom of the stairwell to the main elevators, he saw Hinata move towards the exit. As Kei called out Hinata's name, the other man turned around, giving Kei an unreadable expression. It was an uncomfortable experience for Kei, as the Hinata from his memory was effervescent and full of life, whereas the Hinata in front of him was subdued and guarded. As Kei caught his breath, he asked for a moment of Hinata’s time, who ended up following Kei to the nearby cafeteria with a suspicious look in his eye.

Kei purposely chose a table near the window overlooking the well-maintained garden. He indicated that Hinata shouldn't take the seat directly opposite him, but occupy the seat beside him, giving him the fringe benefit of looking at the garden as they talked.

Kei felt Hinata’s expectant gaze burn into the side of his face. Kei turned towards the other man, and started, “Kageyama told me just enough for me to realize that I had misread the situation at graduation, but not enough for me to truly understand how badly things went. I just need to know how deeply I need to apologize for my part.”

Hinata’s was taken aback, and it was clear to Kei that he remembered him as the guarded, angry teen that left permanently when his sons were born. “I confessed to Kageyama at graduation. It was a shit show. Yamaguchi ended up seeing it happen. If he hadn't been where he was when it happened, that night would have been a lot worse.”

Kei raised his eyebrows at Hinata’s last statement, who cringed as he continued, “That night I drank too much in far too short of a time, and I was lucky that Yamaguchi was able to limit the audience of my full breakdown to just him. I don't remember everything from that night, just getting sick and you glaring at me over video games.”

The colour drained Kei's face as Yamaguchi’s distraught face that had haunted him for over ten years took on a new form, as he understood the confusion that he had previously not registered before. It was Hinata’s turn to look confused, making Kei realize that his impassive mask had cracked even further. In a small voice, Kei asked, “so nothing happened between you guys that night?”

Hinata gave a wan smile. “Not that night, no. We did have something first year of university, but I was too messed up to appreciate what was there. And even then, it wasn't right away, as he was pretty messed up too.”

If Kei wasn't worried about contracting Legionnaire’s disease from the cafeteria floor, he would have prostrated himself fully there. Instead, he settled for jumping up sharply and entering a deep bow, apologizing profusely to Hinata for his jealous mind. He only raised his head when Kei felt Hinata softly touch his shoulder, and saw a soft smile across the shorter man's lips.

When Kei finally returned to his full height, he handed his phone over to Hinata so they could keep in touch far more easily.

~~~~~

When Kageyama was discharged from the hospital, Kei found Hinata at Kageyama's apartment more often than not. Takeshi and Takenori were both charmed by the orange haired man, who currently played the role of Godzilla as the twins tried to save Tokyo. It ultimately ended up with the two Tsukishimas using Hinata as gymnastic equipment and all three of them yelling boisterously.

Hinata suddenly went quiet, which was a ridiculous sight with Takeshi hanging from all fours from Hinata’s arm and Takenori perched on his shoulders and wrapped around his head. He turned to Kei, who was previously watching the three boys play with amusement, and asked, “May I borrow your sons the next game I have to go and work?”

Kei raised his eyebrows, saying, “Where does this come from, and why?”

Hinata took a deep breath as he moved Takenori’s arm away from his mouth, placing it on his forehead. “Ushiwaka’s team is up next. He hasn't changed much personality-wise since high school, and I’ve seen that he doesn't mind child fans. I think your boys could be excellent assistants, and-” Hinata gave a dark, evil smile,”-if they happen to annoy him at the same time, then all the better.”

Kei's face mirrored Hinata’s as he looked down at his own hand, where fifteen years later, he could still see the faint scar in the webbing between his ring and pinky finger, and the ache in his finger remained a reliable indicator that a storm was approaching in the next few days.

“You can have them on one condition: I get to watch this in person.”

At the end of an okay game, Kei made his way to the edge of the court, watching as Hinata led his sons to where Ushijima’s team was packing up. Hinata coached them on what kinds of questions to ask, but Kei knew his sons well, and they would simply say whatever came to mind.

“Wow! You're bigger than Ji-san!”

“You're not taller than Tou-san though! He's the tallest person  _ ever _ .”

Kei smiled as he could hear his sons’ voices clearly from across the expansive room, working in tandem so that it was difficult for Ushijima to get his own words in. He saw an almost smile come onto the otherwise serious face, and he heard a pause in the twins’ routine as Ushijima spoke, even though the words were not clear.

“Wow! You must be super strong! I saw you bounce that ball almost up to space!”

“I think you'd be a better Godzilla than Hinata-san!”

Ushijima continued on, and Kei could see the excitement building in his sons’ bodies, making it obvious they were liking what they were hearing. Ushijima began to dramatically stomp towards the Tsukishimas.

With a battle cry, Takenori jumped into Ushijima’s back, deftly climbing up and grabbing the large man around the neck.

“‘Keshi, I need you to slow him down! We need to save Tokyo quickly!”

Takeshi attached himself quickly to one of Ushijima’s legs, and if the two boys were on Kei's first Karasuno team, they would have given Noya and Tanaka a run for their money on volume and heart dedicated to their yells. The sight had Tsukishima laughing from his stomach, a rare sight indeed.

~~~~~

It was not long after he had let it slip at work that Kei's longest relationship was not with a woman, but with a man, that he started playing the most obnoxious pop music he could find in order to be left alone as he prepared IV antibiotics. This had mixed results, as he was still hunted down each day with a proposition of a blind double date.

“My boyfriend knows someone who has been hard up on his luck lately. He's a great guy, Tsukishima-san. I just want to see him smile again. And you could definitely use some adult company.”

Kei looked at his colleague over his paper mask, clearly unimpressed. “I'll go as long as you don't mention this idea again, Sato-san.”

This was how Kei found himself in an izakaya making small talk with people he normally wouldn't socialize with. He heard faint mentions of how Sato’s boyfriend, Sakamoto, was acting on a popular sitcom, but since Kei didn't follow entertainment news, he had no real reason to pay attention to details. To distract himself from how nervous he was at meeting this Yamaguchi they mentioned, as even though it was a common name, it held other meaning for him, he remembered how he fed his children strawberry shortcake before Hinata picked them up with the sole purpose of trolling the other man. As he gave an internal chuckle, Kei noticed the two men across from him perk up, so his date must have arrived. As Kei turned around from curiosity, his heart dropped and his eyes widened.

His Yamaguchi was looking at him, his face just as shocked as he was. “You gotta be fucking kidding me,” Yamaguchi said calmly, but even after all those years apart, Kei could read his expression as “flabbergasted beyond expression”.

Sakamoto couldn't miss their shared expressions. “You two know each other already?”

At this point, Yamaguchi tore his eyes away from Kei's and took the only empty seat, explaining, “we used to be pretty close.” Kei have a light scoff at that understatement. Yamaguchi continued, “but we haven't seen each other since he left for university.”

Kei's stomach gave a twist at the implications of Yamaguchi’s words. He also noticed Sakamoto and Yamaguchi seemingly boring holes into each other's faces, and as Kei realized that Yamaguchi was about as willing to come as he himself had been, he smiled to himself.

After a few moments a smile Kei had never seen on Yamaguchi’s face appeared, who then jabbed, “Don’t think too hard, you'll burn your last brain cell.” Kei couldn't help but think off the reasons he was so snarky for all those years, and felt a little guilty for his part in why Yamaguchi was so savage, even if it made him a little proud.

Sakamoto threw back into Yamaguchi’s face, “Keep that up, and you'll turn into a salty bastard, not just play one on TV.”

“You could always ask the original salty bastard himself.” Yamaguchi pointed over at Kei, who quickly realized that Yamaguchi implied that his success was dependant on him thinking of Kei every day on set.

Before Kei could say the words on the tip of his tongue, (“I didn't know you still thought of me that way, sweetie,”) Kei was distracted by the uproarious laughter coming from Sakamoto.

Yamaguchi’s expression morphed into something more familiar to him, as he started to tell stories about him being a shithead in high school. It was just like old times, where Yamaguchi would brag on Kei's behalf, except instead of the “shut up, Yamaguchi” was that part of their normal script then, Kei supplied extra details to support Yamaguchi’s stories. (“He tried to insult me as being the ‘normal one’, and was singing songs about breaking our spirits, so when I blocked him definitively, I may have smiled and threw his words back in his face.” “You weren't adopted by Bokuto and Kuroo. They kept trying to feed me at the barbeque.” “You were quite skinny, Tsukki.”)

The atmosphere relaxed, and after ordering food and as the topic turned to other former Shiratorizawa players, Yamaguchi mentioned his new favorite viral video, of twin boys using Ushiwaka as gym equipment with Hinata laughing in the background. “They're viral? I was just doing Hinata a favor when he asked to borrow my kids.” Kei looked thoroughly confused at the possibility that his sons were famous as the Saltshaker Twins.

“They're so loud, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi complained, and as Kei remembered that he could hear their small voices from clear across the gym, he couldn't deny it.

“Hinata fed them sugar before that.” Kei smiled cruelly, continuing, “but I fed them cake before dropping them off at his place tonight.”

As Yamaguchi snorted at that statement, the food arrived, effectively cutting the stream of conversation. They all dug in, and it was relatively quiet while everyone finished eating. When conversation did occur, it was only small talk in nature, with no real notable details revealed.

As the night drew to a close, Kei wanted to hug Yamaguchi, but he couldn't be sure how receptive the other man would be to that gesture. He settled for exchanging numbers, and not for the first time that night, his chest fluttered in a rather pleasant way as they exchanged numbers.

Kei said his goodbyes, and looking at the time, he figured out was better to pick up the boys the following morning rather than waking them up. He decided to text Hinata this update.

_ Orange Fluffball: thats ok. theyre asleep in the spare room. they sleep funny. _

_ Orange Fluffball: omg, youre getting some tonight, arent you :D _

Kei’s hand slapped his forehead. These words were not something he ever wanted to hear from Hinata.

_ Me: No. It turned out to be Tadashi. I did get his number, but we're no where close to that. _

_ Orange Fluffball: yet _ .

Shutting off the phone while rolling his eyes, Kei made his way home. During the trip, he couldn't help but want to keep on seeing Yamaguchi. It was at that moment that he remembered that even at his angriest, it hurt even more because he missed his friend that deeply. When Kei entered the house, delightfully silent, he laid back on the bed, staring at the empty conversation window that bore Yamaguchi’s kanji. Kei wasn't sure how long he laid there before he plucked up the courage to type his message. Before he could lose the courage, Kei's fingers flew across the screen.

_ Me: I had fun tonight. We should do it again soon. Let me know when your shooting schedule calms down. _

Kei plugged in his phone, and in the time he went for a shower, he found an answering message waiting for him.

_ Yamaguchi: I don't have to shoot for another couple weeks. I'd love to. _

 

For the first time since his children were born, Kei's heart soared.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/littlemisstpk) where I post my comments about the manga I'm reading, as well as some writing thoughts. I'm always up for talking!


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